Dahlings, I’m so excited that I can’t even do my crunches! THIS IS IT—I’m Center Stage, and my public is calling. I must respond. And you thought Miss Congeniality was armed and fabulous? Well, move over,Sandra—you’re yesterday’s news.
My adoring fans, all of you out there in the dark, you’re probably even more stoked than me about my ad debut. I know c’est magnifique, and everyone will want my paw-graph. But my darlings, as great as I am on screen, you have no idea how draining it is to achieve such perfection. No one really understands what you give up to be in the spotlight.
It’s definitely true that great actresses like me are born, not made—you have to have the DNA—but of course everyone has helpers on the way to the top. The Method that my beloved mentor, Lee Strasberg, taught me demands so much of me emotionally that, like Brando, De Niro, and all the boys before me, I am simply prostrate when I turn it off.
And you think it’s just like a faucet that you give a little twist to the right? Ha! Think again, my lovelies. It’s soooo hard to turn it off, once you’re deep into character. Sometimes I’m still Her, even when I get back to the ranch. I can’t eat, sleep deserts me, I throw up my guts. It’s a terrible sacrifice!
What it does to my relationships, I can’t even go into it. It totally wrecks them, that’s the awful truth—especially the one with Ms. Ditz, my mistress, who drives me nuts anyway. Between her and the enormous pressure, I’m flat out on the floor.
But I love you all and—kiss, kiss—no one, and nothing, comes between me and my audience.
Hugs and Smooches for now—
The Divine Miss Wrinkles
